From People Pleaser to Self-Care Advocate

What if setting boundaries didn't make you less compassionate, but instead, amplified your empathy? Join us as we journey alongside Claire, an empath with a heart of gold, who's wrestling with the art of setting healthy boundaries while remaining compassionate. We're unpicking the intricate relationship between empathy and people pleasing, while shedding light on how setting boundaries is a form of self-care and emotional health maintenance. 

Now, imagine understanding your triggers as a crucial step towards personal growth. That's what we're exploring in the second half of our podcast. Remember, there's a power in saying 'no', especially for those recovering from being people pleasers. We're talking about mutual respect, consideration in relationships, and navigating the challenges that come when setting boundaries. Plus, we've got three easy tips up our sleeve to help you when boundary pushback happens. This episode is brimming with enlightening stories and practical insights to guide you on your journey towards setting healthy boundaries. You definitely don't want to miss this!

Instacart - Groceries delivered in as little as 1 hour.
Free delivery on your first order over $35.

Buzzsprout - Let's get your podcast launched!
Start for FREE

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Chapters

• 0:01 Setting Boundaries
• 11:52 Setting Boundaries for Personal Growth

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

You're listening to the Realized Empath Podcast, where we get real about loving and stumbling through our sensitive lives with your host and holistic counselor, Kristin Schwartz, who helps redefine what's possible for an empath who embraces a path of self-healing.

Speaker 2: 0:22

Hello everybody and welcome back to the Realized Empath Podcast. I'm so glad that you're joining me today. I am Kristin Schwartz and today we are going to delve into a topic close to many of our hearts. It is setting boundaries. As a recovering people pleaser, so as an empath, it's natural to put others' needs before our own, but sometimes it can lead to emotional exhaustion and neglecting our well-being. Today we will explore the journey of an empath who learns to set healthy boundaries and balance caring for others and their self-care. So let's dive right in. So let's understand a bit about empathy and people pleasing. Before we dive right into the setting boundaries, I want to first clarify, and I want us all to understand, what it means to be an empath.

Speaker 2: 1:22

An empath or empaths are individuals who have a heightened ability to feel and understand the emotions of others. They often, because of that, absorb the energy all around them, the energy of others, and sometimes to the point of emotional overwhelm. So this trait, this gift, can be both a blessing and, to many, a challenge. As empaths, our natural inclination is to bring comfort and joy to those around us, and because we have the ability to pick up on the little intricacies and the shifts of energy. Sometimes we can fear disappointing others because we don't want them to feel anything. That's maybe like a heightened negativity, because we then feel that too, so that we often sacrifice our needs to make them happy. However, what this does is this can lead to emotional burnout over time, as we neglect our own well-being trying to make everyone else feel good. So how many can relate to this? Raise your hand. I know that I can, and when I started this journey of healing and self-awareness and really understanding my patterns of behavior and thought and where they came from and what beliefs were underneath them, I've been able to shake the stronghold that people pleasing had on me. But with anything that we're working through or we're developing our awareness around and we're healing, sometimes we can go back and forth. We can revisit it every once in a while. So what are the struggles? What about the struggles of a recovering people pleaser?

Speaker 2: 3:12

So to understand the relationship between people pleasing and high empathy, or the empath, I thought it would be cool to share a story of Claire. So Claire is a compassionate empath who has always struggled to set boundaries. Claire has a heart of gold, but she's overwhelmed by the weight of constantly trying to meet everyone else's needs and expectations. Claire feels immense guilt whenever she puts her needs first, fearing she might appear selfish or uncaring. This internal conflict affects her mental and emotional health, leaving her feeling drained and anxious. Claire's journey to recovery began when she hit rock bottom. She realized she couldn't continue living for others while neglecting herself, so she sought help from therapists and coaches. She read books on empathy and self-care and embarked on a journey of self-discovery.

Speaker 2: 4:21

So setting boundaries is crucial for empaths like Claire. It's about effectively communicating our needs and our limits. We can do that while empathizing. We can understand that if we're in a relationship and it's a long-term relationship that we've had for a while and we really haven't had boundaries in that relationship. We can empathize when we begin to set boundaries and understand that it's like we're training ourselves to get comfortable with setting the boundary. But we have to give grace and space for those who are now learning and being trained in living with boundaries, living with other people's boundaries. Boundaries provide us with the necessary space we need to recharge and care for ourselves. Claire learned that setting boundaries doesn't make her less compassionate. Instead, it empowers her to be a better empath and a stronger support system for others.

Speaker 2: 5:20

As Claire grew in her ability to set boundaries. She noticed a positive relationship shift. By communicating her limits, she fostered healthier connections with her loved ones. Those who truly cared for her understood and respected her need for self-care.

Speaker 2: 5:39

Although Claire made progress, she still faced challenges. Sometimes she struggled to say no or felt guilty about taking time for herself. So these setbacks are normal and it's essential when we have these setbacks to remember that growth takes time and anytime we are in a space of like we're expanding, expansion can be uncomfortable, and that's totally normal, and we just have to get really good at soothing ourselves and not allowing the negative commentary in our mind to bring us back in a state of fear. Like, well, if, am I too much? Am I asking too much? Am I being selfish? It's all fear of that. You won't be loved, you're not lovable, you're too much. So it's just remembering, when those thoughts come up, being present enough to redirect and reframe.

Speaker 2: 6:37

So along the way, claire learned the importance of self compassion. She forgave herself for slipping into old patterns and reminded herself that her journey was about progress and not perfection. Self-compassion allowed Claire to be gentle with herself and treat herself with the same kindness that she showed others. It helped her build resilience and navigate the bumps to setting healthier boundaries. As Claire continued her journey, she started sharing her experiences with others, especially fellow empaths and those who struggled with people pleasing. She encouraged others to do the same. By opening up about her vulnerabilities, claire realized she could empower others to do the same. By embracing her empathic nature and setting boundaries, she became a guiding light for those navigating similar challenges. As Claire's stories spread, she became a part of a supportive community of empaths who lifted each other and celebrated their growth. Together they learned to embrace empathy while preserving their emotional well-being. So now that we understand Claire's journey, I want to discuss some boundary setting techniques. But first I want to make sure that we start with building a foundation of self-compassion.

Speaker 2: 8:07

So many impasse including myself are prone to self-criticism. A lot of times we can be overthinkers. We can really be in our heads a lot, and that can come from spending years in our body overwhelmed by our emotions, and so we learn to kind of escape through our mind, and so we can become overthinkers, feeling guilty. We feel guilty for putting ourselves first. So what I want to explore is the power of self-compassion and reframing negative self-talk and also nurturing a kinder relationship with ourselves. After all, setting boundaries require acknowledging our worthiness and deservingness of a balanced and fulfilled life. We have to accept ourselves and accept our limits and accept our borders. Basically, where do I end and where do others begin? Where is my limit around certain things? When do I start to feel drained? We have to acknowledge that and we have to believe that we're worthy of having those boundaries in our life so we can feel the best that we can feel. So to effectively set boundaries, we first have to identify our triggers. So there are many common triggers for impasse, including guilt, fear of rejection, a desire to be liked by everyone. And by understanding what activates our people-pleasing tendencies, we can consciously respond rather than react. And what that does is it paves a way for more assertive boundary setting.

Speaker 2: 9:58

When I first started to kind of scrape the surface and start to kind of peel the layers of the onion back, layer by layer and in terms of my own triggers and why I say like peeling an onion, what ended up happening was I would see something on the surface and I think, well, that's the problem, right, I see there's this pattern of thought or there's this certain way that I react to something and I would journal and I would meditate on it and I would kind of go into that specific topic that I was aware of and then, as I felt like I had a pretty good handle on that, then what would happen was that would be a layer that would be peeled back, and when I would peel back that layer, then I would have this new level of consciousness that now was aware of things within myself that I was never aware of. And that's how I feel like I can really best explain my journey and healing and what continues to happen. It's like this elevation, this rise up into a new level of consciousness, where you become aware of certain things about yourself that you were never aware of before, and it's like you have to peel the first layer off to be aware of the next layer and so on. And there are some that are so many layers deep I'm not I can't see them yet but it's a slow process and it's a rewarding process if you're willing to take the time to really be with yourself. And it's really a foundation of curiosity. Just be willing to be curious about what comes up for you and I know that I said this last week but the things and the people that are our biggest triggers are our biggest teachers. Not so much like that that person is a teacher, but your reaction to it is your teacher.

Speaker 2: 11:52

A lot of times when we react, we think or we respond in a way of like they're the problem right, and we stop there when really they're not the problem. It's not a problem at all. It's like, okay, I'm reacting to this, I have a strong emotional reaction to this thing or this person. What's underneath that? What's the story that I have adopted? And I believe that continues to hurt me. Each time I am reminded of that story about myself. The more that we understand our triggers, the better we'll be at knowing what our needs are and setting boundaries. And another thing is, when we set boundaries around our triggers and we continue to heal, those boundaries will change and fluctuate and they'll bend, and sometimes we'll be able to drop boundaries altogether and reassess, because the boundary that we needed if it's based around past trauma or pain and we actually free that pain from us eventually or not free it but weaken it, where we're not responding as reactively, we're not going to need as rigid of a boundary around that.

Speaker 2: 13:11

So boundary is more than just saying the word no. It's about this awareness, a self-awareness of who we are, what we need to thrive, and communicating that it's self-love, it's self-respect. But saying no can also be one of the most challenging tasks for recovering people pleasers. So sometimes saying no gracefully, without feeling guilty or rude, can feel impossible, especially if you're just realizing okay, I have some people pleasing tendencies. It's time to make some changes. Those first few weeks, months and maybe even year of setting those boundaries can feel like we're just being such jerks when in reality we're just being a healthy individual. But because we've spent so many years people pleasing, it just feels like this weight. It feels like there's this threat of like you're not going to be loved, you're going to be rejected, and it can be like this visceral body in body experience of fear. So healing people pleasers can feel like their boundaries are rude and feel guilty when in reality they're not.

Speaker 2: 14:32

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and consideration of each other's needs. Establishing boundaries in personal and romantic relationships can be daunting for impasse, but it's also crucial for our emotional well-being. There's a delicate balance between empathy and self-preservation when fostering meaningful connections without compromising our needs. So there's plenty of real-life scenarios that exist where we can encounter resistance while setting boundaries, whether we're dealing with pushy family members or manipulated friends or demanding bosses. We have to equip ourselves with practical tools so we can stay true to our limits while we navigate the challenging situations with grace and confidence.

Speaker 2: 15:25

So coping with boundary pushback, like I said, can be challenging for everyone, especially those who are working through people pleasing tendencies. So I thought I would share three easy tips to help navigate when these situations come up and you're getting some pushback. So number one stay calm and confident. Easier said than done, I know, but when we're faced with boundary pushback, we have to remain composed and confident in our decision. We really have to go into it knowing why we're doing it, and we want to avoid getting defensive or reactive. And this is hard sometimes because sometimes, when we're just beginning to set boundaries, we may be doing it from a place of survival, like when I first started setting boundaries, I was at my breaking point, so I felt like I was setting them to survive and because of that I was much more rigid with communicating and I was more like combative, because I felt like I was fighting for my life. That does fade over time, obviously, and it will soften. So I just want to make sure that if you're in that space where you feel like you're setting them out of survival, just know that I see you and the confidence and the calm will come if you just stick it out.

Speaker 2: 16:57

Just remember that setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary practice for your well-being. So just take a deep breath and respond calmly, using firm and assertive tones. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to give them all the bullet points of why this boundary is necessary. You want to have confidence in your limits and that will show others that you're serious about maintaining them.

Speaker 2: 17:27

Next, you can reiterate your boundaries. So sometimes people can test your boundaries to see if you will hold them. I'm thinking raising teenagers or even adolescents or even toddlers. But in such cases you want to reiterate. Reiterating your boundaries clearly and without apologizing is crucial. So you want to be consistent with communicating what you're comfortable with and what you're not, and you want to avoid giving in to pressure or guilt-tripping tactics. Respectfully remind the person that your boundaries are non-negotiable and you expect them to be respected.

Speaker 2: 18:13

And, last, seek support and reinforcement. This is so important, especially if setting the boundaries and enforcing the boundaries is an actual trigger for you. If it brings up this fear of rejection or fear of not being loved. You don't want to hesitate to seek support from trusted friends or families, coaches or therapists when you're dealing with boundary pushback. You want to be able to share your experiences and feelings with them and ask for their advice or feedback, and sometimes an outside perspective can provide clarity and validation for your boundaries. So you want to surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect your limits and can help reinforce your confidence in maintaining your boundaries. Another thing that you can do is you can consider finding resources or self-help materials on boundary setting and assertiveness. I know there's some great resources online of specific boundary setting scripts or ways to reply when certain pushback common pushback happens, so these resources can provide valuable insights and techniques to handle boundary pushback more effectively. So just remember setting and maintaining boundaries is essential to self-care and personal growth, and you continue, as you continue to uphold your boundaries, you'll likely find that those who truly value and respect you will adjust their behavior accordingly.

Speaker 2: 19:50

Also super important to remember you have to give yourself time and grace, and you have to give others time and grace too, because you're all learning something new and a lot of times when we set them from survival because we've never had them before, we can come from the space of like this is my new bound, this is my boundary, and you better respect it right now and then we think well, if they don't, then we should cut them out. Remember that if you've had a relationship for a while and you're setting a boundary which is new to you and new to them, and your relationship has never had boundaries before you're both learning something new. So just be patient. Now there's certain circumstances that we won't discuss here, but I'm going to allow you to make that decision. If it's someone that, if it's abusive emotionally or physically, then that's not what I'm talking about here. But be patient with yourself and others as you navigate this process and don't be afraid to change your boundaries as needed as you grow, as they grow, as your relationship changes, to ensure that they always align with your evolving needs and values.

Speaker 2: 21:03

So we know that impasse often find themselves in roles that demand emotional labor. So impasse can often find themselves in roles that demand emotional labor, and we know this no-transcript Over time can be emotionally draining without proper boundaries, and I get a lot of inquiries and questions about setting boundaries in the workplace and addressing issues like excessive workload or unrealistic expectations, and handling difficult colleagues. So impasse often find themselves in roles that demand emotional labor and over time this can be emotionally draining without proper boundaries. And I get a question I get this question a lot about how to set boundaries in the workplace. You know, addressing issues like excessive workload or unrealistic expectations, or handling difficult colleagues, communicating boundaries to a difficult boss. It requires a diplomatic and assertive approach and I know it can feel pretty scary and sometimes impossible. When you have, like, the red tape of how corporate corporations work or you know the environment that you work in, the personalities, maybe even the personality type of your boss, I can feel like how can I do this? How would this even work? So I also wanted to share some steps to help you effectively communicate your boundaries in the workplace.

Speaker 2: 22:46

So the first thing is self-reflection. So before initiating any conversation, I want you to take some time and reflect on the specific boundaries you need to set, identify what behaviors or situations have been causing issues and affecting your well-being. I want you to be really clear about what you can and cannot tolerate going forward. You want to assess your window of tolerance. Basically, what are like non-negotiables for you, then I want you to choose the right time and place. Then you want to choose the right time and place. You want to find an appropriate time to talk with your boss ideally when they're not super busy or stressed and then request a private meeting to discuss your concerns so that you can have their undivided attention. It's really important, when you're communicating with them, that you're clear and specific when communicating your boundaries. You want to be specific and clear about what you need. You want to use I statements to express your feelings and avoid blaming or accusing anyone. For example, you would say something like I feel overwhelmed when I receive multiple last-minute assignments. I would appreciate more notice to manage my workload effectively. See how it's all about you, how you feel and how you want to work, how you could best serve the company.

Speaker 2: 24:23

In what you're asking for, you always want to stick to facts. You want to provide concrete examples of situations where your boundaries were crossed. You want to avoid making generalizations or relying on your emotions. You want to have specific instances that will help your boss understand the impact and also understand the advantages of what this is going to bring to you, your boss and your company when your boundaries are implemented. You want to be professional and respectful. You want to maintain a professional tone throughout the conversation, avoiding getting defensive or argumentative, even if your boss reacts negatively. I know this can be almost impossible sometimes. Just remember to establish boundaries. You're trying to establish boundaries. That's the goal, not engage in an argument. You want to offer solutions, be prepared to suggest potential solutions to address the boundary violations, and this shows that you are proactive and willing to work towards a resolution. For instance, propose a schedule or a system for prioritizing tasks to manage your workload more efficiently.

Speaker 2: 25:52

Next is consequences. So if your boundaries are repeatedly ignored, you want to be prepared to communicate the consequences of that. You want to let your boss know that you may need to escalate the issue or seek additional support if the situation doesn't improve. Next is seeking support. So if you're uncomfortable with one-on-one communication or you fear retaliation, consider seeking support from your HR department or a supervisor. A neutral third party can facilitate the conversation and address your concerns. And next, you want to do a follow-up After the initial conversation. You want to monitor the situation to see if your boundaries are respected. If you encounter any further issues, you can address them promptly. And last is maintaining your boundaries. So you want to always enforce your boundaries, moving forward, and be assertive in defending your limits and don't be afraid to remind your boss when necessary.

Speaker 2: 27:01

Remember that you're both learning. Always go back to remembering that healing people pleasing patterns is an ongoing process that requires patience and self-reflection, and you're going to have moments that come up that are just really uncomfortable because you're learning something new. You learned that pleasing others somehow meant that you were safer, which isn't true, but that's what you learned. That's what your body learned, and so when we begin to move away from people pleasing, it can feel like we're under threat, that we're under attack, that we're potentially going to lose love. So it's important to seek support if you need it, through therapy or support groups or even self-help resources. Meditation and mindfulness can help us practice like bringing down our nervous system back to a level of calm Energy. Healing can also aid the healing journey and strengthen our resilience as impasse.

Speaker 2: 28:10

So, as we kind of tie up this episode today, I want to leave you with one crucial message Setting boundaries is not a sign of weakness. It's an act of self-love and strength and for impasse like you and me and Claire, finding a balance between caring for others and ourselves is an ongoing journey. If you resonate with Claire's story, know that you're not alone. We're all in this together. Seek support from loved ones or therapists or like-minded communities or other impasse to help and guide you, and remember that your well-being matters as much as anyone else's. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I hope this episode has inspired you to embrace your empathic nature while setting healthy boundaries. Don't forget that if you're looking for extra support, you can always dive into my book, the Healed Impath. You can find it on Amazon or Barnes, noble or Target, or you can just do an internet search and find a bookstore near you. And next time for another insightful discussion on the Realize Empath podcast. Take care and be kind to yourself.