The Empath's Odyssey: From Codependency to Interdependence

Are you tiptoeing on the tightrope of emotional exhaustion, teetering between codependency and self-neglect? As empaths, we are often caught in this intricate web, struggling to maintain our self-identity while caring for others. This episode is your guiding light from the shackles of codependency toward the empowering realm of interdependency. We'll share our journey and the signs we noticed along the way, like difficulty setting boundaries, an intense need for validation, and fear of abandonment that often paves the way to burnout.

Weaving our way towards interdependency, we'll delve into the matrix of a healthy, interdependent relationship that thrives on emotional awareness, respect for boundaries, mutual support, empathy, and personal growth. Get ready to discover strategies that can transform your relationships, such as setting boundaries, cultivating compassion, celebrating individuality, and finding shared activities. We aim to arm you with effective tools to balance catering to your needs and supporting others. So, be prepared to embark on a journey towards a more fulfilling, healthier, and balanced life, where you reclaim your power as an empath.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

You're listening to the Realized Empath Podcast, where we get real about loving and stumbling through our sensitive lives with your host and holistic counselor, Kristin Schwartz, who helps redefine what's possible for an empath who embraces a path of self-healing.

Speaker 2: 0:22

Hello everybody, welcome back to the Realized Empath Podcast. I'm your host, kristin Schwartz, and I am sitting here in my office with a warm cup of chai tea, and today we are going to explore the path from codependency to interdependency. Empaths possess a unique ability to feel and understand the emotions of others really deeply. However, this gift can sometimes lead to codependency where we lose sight of our own needs. So today we're going to explore how empaths can reclaim our power and embrace interdependency for a more balanced and fulfilling life. So let's start by really understanding codependency. Codependency occurs when individuals excessively rely on others for their self-worth and happiness. Empaths may overextend to help others while we neglect our own needs, and often that leads to emotional exhaustion and burnout. So what are signs of codependency in an empath, excessive empathy, which I know a lot of you might be going? What I mean isn't that what empaths have is excessive empathy? Yes, empaths have a natural inclination to feel and understand the emotions of others really deeply In a codependent dynamic. What they do is they prioritize other people's feelings and needs over their own, which is to their own detriment. Another sign of codependency is difficulty setting boundaries. So empaths may struggle to establish and enforce healthy boundaries, and we might find it challenging to say no to requests or resist getting involved in others' problems, even when it's negatively impacting our well-being. It's that well, I was born a helper. You know who am I? Not to help, I'd be a bad person, right? So it's that not saying no even though you know it's negatively impacting you. Constant need for validation is also a sign of codependency. Codependent empaths may seek constant validation and approval from others. To feel worthy and validated, they might rely on external affirmation rather than finding proof for themselves.

Speaker 2: 3:24

Another sign of codependency is feeling responsible for others' emotions. Empaths may feel responsible for the happiness and emotional well-being of those around them, and they might take on the role of a caregiver or fixer, trying to solve others' problems and alleviate their pain. I think a lot of us will understand this point, because when we can tune into other people's feelings and emotions and it makes us uncomfortable, it makes a lot of sense, right, that we would want to help and fix their pain, but it's not about really helping them, it's about alleviating our discomfort. So another one is fear of abandonment. Codependent empaths may fear rejection or abandonment and, as a result of that, go to great lengths to avoid conflicts or confrontations, even if it means suppressing their feelings and needs.

Speaker 2: 4:34

Another clue of codependency is neglecting self-care. Empaths may neglect self-care and well-being because they're prioritizing the other people's needs over their own, leading to emotional exhaustion and burnout. So imagine if you will. You're going about your day and you're starting to feel a little tired, a little overwhelmed maybe by work or responsibilities, and you're feeling that pull from your mind and your body to rest, to take some time and just rest and fill up. And you get a phone call from your family, your friends, your family, your friends and you get a phone call from a friend who's having a difficult time. Or maybe they call and they're all excited and they want to know if you'll go to the movies with them tonight. How many times have you discounted what your needs were and met the needs of another person? Another clue is difficulty expressing needs.

Speaker 2: 5:39

Codependent impacts may struggle to express their needs and desires openly. They might fear that asserting themselves will result in disapproval or rejection In a codependent pattern. What happens is we may experience guilt and self-blame when we prioritize our own needs and we might even believe that taking care of ourselves is selfish or wrong. And next, overwhelming sensitivity to rejection. When we are dancing with codependency, we may have an intense sensitivity to rejection or criticism which makes us overly cautious in our relationships and in our interactions, because we're really trying to avoid the pain of rejection and last attracting toxic or codependent relationships. So when we struggle with codependency, we may repeatedly find ourselves in one-sided relationships while our needs are unmet, and then we give more than we receive. So how does codependency impact our emotional well-being? Of course we're naturally inclined to take on emotional burdens like we feel, the emotional burdens of others, and often because of that we end up putting our needs aside to assist in the person whose emotions we're feeling. And this constant emotional giving can lead to exhaustion, which leads us drained and overwhelmed.

Speaker 2: 7:22

Lack of boundaries. So with lack of boundaries or weak or even non-existent boundaries, it makes it really challenging to distinguish between our emotions and someone else's, our energy and someone else's. It's like we're blurring the lines because we really don't know who we are and, as a result, we're going to have difficulty maintaining a sense of self because we become entangled in others' emotional turmoil. We take responsibility for it. So when we prioritize the needs of others over our own, what ends up happening is we end up neglecting our own personal needs, so we ignore our emotional and physical well-being, and this self-neglect leads to an emptiness, a loneliness, frustration, eventually resentment, which can cause the breakdown of relationships. What also can happen is because we are, we're like a leaf blowing in the wind and the wind ends up being everybody else's energy and emotions.

Speaker 2: 8:31

We really have no control over what other people are feeling, and so it can feel like an emotional roller coaster. So the continuous exposure to others' emotions and struggles and our willingness to be part of that can create this emotional roller coaster for us, and we might struggle to stabilize our emotions due to the constant influx of external feelings, Like it's just so much input that and there's no boundaries, we're not putting our hands up and saying I'm good, we're just. It's almost like we're open and we're just allowing it all to flow in, and that influx of all those feelings creates this instability in us. So we can have difficulty stabilizing our emotions and that's where sometimes we get like you're overreacting. But it's not that we're overreacting to the situation, it's just there's so much going on inside of us.

Speaker 2: 9:29

The big reaction makes sense to someone who's living it on the inside. Overresponsibility can lead to guilt, and often we can feel intense guilt if we can't help or fix others' problems and we may take on excessive responsibilities for others' happiness, even when it's beyond our control, which most of the time it is. Codependent dynamics also cause anxiety and stress. I mean the weight of carrying others' emotions can lead to increased anxiety.

Speaker 2: 10:00

We might feel overwhelmed by the need to be available and supportive of everyone all the time. Codependent patterns in ourselves lead us to form codependent relationships enabling and unhealthy behaviors in others, and we depend on our partners for validation and self-worth. Another way that codependency affects our well-being is suppressed emotions. So we may suppress our emotions to avoid conflict or maintain harmony in relationships, which leads to emotional repression and potentially emotional outbursts later on. When we suppress our feelings and emotions, they don't go away. It's like they're just stored. If you imagine you having a backpack on and you got this backpack and you've been wearing it since childhood and each time you didn't process a feeling, a process or emotion, or even just process situations. It's like you're shoving them back in your backpack. You believe they're gone, right, you're distracting yourself. However, the other ways that we may use to not have to deal with what we're going through and we think, through distraction, that they've gone away, but they haven't. We store them. We store them, we carry them around in our life. They collect interest as we grow and time moves on and eventually that debt that's in our backpack will become due and we will have to pay for it. Unfortunately, what ends up happening is when it comes due and it's time to pay for it, when we have to unzip that backpack. That one feeling that we had when we were eight or nine, or that experience we had when we were eight or nine, has now collected interest, over 30 years, let's say, and now it's that much bigger. I know that we think that we're maintaining harmony and relationships in our lives by avoiding or pushing it aside, but it will come back. We will have to eventually deal with it.

Speaker 2: 12:01

The last loss of authenticity, which is huge. So when we fear rejection or abandonment, what we might do is we might hide our true selves and our emotions, resulting in a loss of authenticity and disconnect, disconnection from our true identity. I remember years ago actually sitting and asking myself the question what do I like, what do I prefer? I couldn't even answer those questions. I had such a disconnection from who I was because I had been prioritizing other people's wellness and peace and feelings and emotions over my own that I had no idea who I was, what I liked, what I didn't like. I didn't know where my energy ended and others began. There was this complete emeshment. So I had lost authenticity. I didn't even know who my true self was, let's go through like an actual practical example of codependency patterns. So impaths are naturally inclined to understand and support others. Often when we do that, we put our wellbeing at risk in the process.

Speaker 2: 13:25

So let's consider the case of an empathic friend of mine, sarah, and her codependent behavior with her best friend, alex. So Alex is going through a rough time dealing with a recent breakup and financial struggles and, as an empath, sarah feels deeply connected to Alex's emotions and wants to help him any way she can. Here are some of the codependency patterns that Sarah shows she neglects her needs to be available for Alex whenever he needs someone to talk to, regardless of her own emotional state or her commitments. She puts her goals and aspirations on hold to prioritize Alex's wellbeing and happiness. Sarah feels guilty if she sets boundaries or takes time for herself, fearing it might upset or disappoint Alex. She becomes emotionally drained and experiences burnout, but finds it challenging to express her struggles to Alex, but because she doesn't wanna burden him further. In this example, sarah's codependency pattern is evident in her intense focus on meeting Alex's needs at her own expense and she struggles to maintain a healthy balance in the relationship, leading to emotional exhaustion and a lack of fulfillment For any impact, including Sarah.

Speaker 2: 14:53

Overcoming codependency involves recognizing the importance of self-care and setting boundaries. So what Sarah could do is she could learn to communicate her needs and feelings honestly, without feeling guilty about it. By nurturing her wellbeing, sarah can create a healthier, more balanced relationship with Alex, moving towards interdependency where both individuals support each other while maintaining their identities and boundaries. What ends up happening in this example with Sarah and Alex is Sarah is looking at the situation as Alex is struggling. Therefore Alex's needs trumped Sarah's. But if we reframe that and say we have two human beings, both struggle at all times, because being human is not easy. Alex has reached out to Sarah, has some needs, but Sarah still has needs at the same time, and so it's moving together and honoring both humans at the same time as we move toward interdependency.

Speaker 2: 16:06

Often that journey towards interdependency starts with a powerful awakening and during this phase impasse, become more aware of their codependent patterns and the toll it takes on their emotional health. Let's explore this awakening process and the catalyst that trigger it. So about, I want to say seven or eight years ago, I had my dark night of the soul moment, and I say moment, but really this dark night of the soul experience lasted for about a year and it was in this phase of my life or season of my life where it was the most dark and painful season. But it was my awakening and I was becoming aware and conscious of so much pain and darkness that I had suppressed in my backpack, so that was coming to the surface. I was also becoming aware of things that I had allowed, patterns, unhealthy patterns that I had allowed to exist, and then I was also becoming aware of the part that I played in these dynamics and I was becoming aware of the existing relationships in my life and how they couldn't stay the same. It was like the sphere of losing everything but at the same time, knowing that if they stayed the same, I was going to lose myself anyways. And so it was a lot of dismantling, a lot of.

Speaker 2: 17:44

I cycled through so many different emotions anger, grief, resentment, rage, despair and it was also during this year that I realized that I was an empath and I also realized the impact that trauma had on my temperament and how I was trying to make, and still do have to be very aware of what is hypervigilance, which is a trauma response, and what is the trait of high sensitivity or empathic abilities. I knew that life wasn't meant to be in constant agony and emotional pain. So it was this awareness that I was meant for more, but I had to walk through the darkness for it to get there. I spent a lot of years lacking self-compassion, like believing I needed to be stronger. I didn't quite get why. Everyone else in the world seemed to be getting along just fine and situations other people's pain seemed to just knock me down, and so there was this inner struggle of thinking I need to be more tougher.

Speaker 2: 19:07

What I found out was transitioning from codependency to interdependency required nurturing self-compassion. Empaths need to learn to prioritize self-care and set healthy boundaries. So let's talk about some practical steps to help us cultivate self-compassion and empower us to care for ourselves without the guilt. And I know we've talked about some of these tips before in my podcast, and I talk about it a lot show examples a lot on my Instagram but mindfulness practices for self-awareness.

Speaker 2: 19:46

So the key is to be able to sit quietly with ourselves and notice. That's really self-awareness is noticing what our mind says to us, what stories our mind spins when other things are happening, when other people are around, when situations are happening. We want to notice the patterns of thought. We want to notice our beliefs. We want to notice when we are cruel to ourselves. We want to start to question and even redirect ourselves and how. The only way that we can actually notice and redirect is by practicing mindfulness, is by practicing being with ourselves and not constantly distracted. Another way to develop self-compassion is setting and communicating healthy boundaries with empathy Empathy for yourself, understanding what you need to be your best, to feel, your best to thrive, and then setting and communicating boundaries from that awareness of your own worthiness and, last, overcoming the guilt associated with putting ourselves first Right. So then we go back into that mindfulness practice of self-awareness. What are we saying to ourselves when we're feeling, when we're putting guilt on ourselves for prioritizing us? What are we saying? What are the beliefs under that? Where did we learn or hear that it was selfish to put ourselves first? Where did we learn that we aren't worthy of care. Where did we learn that other people's care prioritize? We should prioritize their care over ours. Enter, dependency is the balance between independence and codependence it's that soft little spot between the two, and it involves healthy relationships where each person respects their own needs while supporting others. Healthy interdependency for an empath is characterized basically by a balanced and mutually beneficial relationship with others, where both parties support and care for each other while respecting each other's needs and boundaries. So let's talk about some key aspects of what healthy interdependency looks like for an empath. The first thing we're going to have in a healthy interdependent relationship is emotional awareness and communication. So in a healthy interdependent relationship, we are aware of our own emotions and needs and those of the other person, and we communicate openly and honestly about our feelings, concerns and boundaries, without fear of judgment or rejection. Next, in a healthy interdependent relationship, we respect boundaries. We acknowledge that each person has limits and needs personal space and time to recharge. We also mutually support and we have empathy. So see you soon.

Speaker 2: 23:12

Impass thrive in relationships with mutual understanding and empathy. Why wouldn't we write? But both parties have to emotionally support and uplift each other. We want to offer a safe and nurturing environment to express vulnerabilities. We want that for ourselves and we want that for the other person. And we also want to maintain individuality. Healthy interdependency allows impass to preserve their individuality and their sense of self. We want to be able to pursue our own interests, hobbies, goals independently, without feeling the need to sacrifice our identity for the sake of the relationship. In an interdependent relationship there's a balance between giving and receiving support, so impass tend to be natural caregivers, but in a healthy dynamic they can also accept care and support from others without feeling guilty or overwhelmed. So there's that balance in giving and receiving In healthy interdependent relationships.

Speaker 2: 24:18

We have constructive conflict resolutions, so we communicate openly about issues, listening to each other's perspectives with empathy, and we work together to find solutions and resolutions that honor both parties. A healthy relationship encourages personal growth and self-empowerment for both individuals. In these relationships, impass are encouraged to pursue their passions and aspirations and they support their partner's growth too. We celebrate differences in interdependent relationships. We celebrate our uniqueness and we see diversity as a strength that enriches our connection rather than a source conflict. And there's also balance between independence and togetherness In a healthy relationship. You like you find that right balance between spending quality time together and allowing each other space for individual pursuits. It recognizes that being independent individuals contributes to the strength of the relationship. And, last but not least, emotional regulation, so impass in an interdependent relationship practice emotional self-regulation they understand their emotions and how to manage them effectively, preventing emotional overwhelm and burnout.

Speaker 2: 25:47

Developing strong and balanced relationships is essential for fostering healthy connections with others and healthy connections throughout our life. So let's talk about a couple strategies that can help us achieve this. We've already talked about effective communication, so open and honest communication is the foundation, of course, of any strong relationship. So we already touched on that a bit. Setting boundaries I won't go more into that because I think I've kind of zoned in on that quite a few times already in today's podcast.

Speaker 2: 26:20

So setting boundaries of course setting boundaries is the key to maintaining balance and respect in a relationship, and so we always want to be clear about our limits and needs and our comfort zones. And when we go back just a few minutes ago, when I was talking about cultivating self-awareness, this is part of that. Like we're not going to really understand what our limits are and our needs are, or even our comfort zone, if we don't have self-awareness, if we're not able to actually sit with ourselves and notice what comes up for us in different situations. We always want to practice empathy and understanding. Empathy is understanding and sharing another person's feelings. Cultivating empathy in a relationship helps create a supportive and compassionate environment. So empathy is I feel you, not I fix you, so you can put yourself in someone else's shoes and you can validate their emotions and even offer a listening ear without judgment.

Speaker 2: 27:30

But as soon as you go into giving unsolicited advice, judging them, then you're in a fixer mode, you're in more of the codependent pattern of it all. We wanna nurture trust. So trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, any strong relationship, and building and maintaining that requires consistency, honesty and reliability. So you wanna be dependable and you wanna follow through on your commitments to yourself, to everybody like, not just to others. How you show up for yourself, that determines your level of self-trust and that determines your connection to your intuition. Can you really trust yourself if you're not showing up for yourself each day? Do you wanna avoid breaking promises or betraying other people's confidence? Celebrating individuality is something that we've already touched on. In balanced relationships, we all have unique identities, interests and aspirations and we wanna encourage each other to stay true to themselves.

Speaker 2: 28:39

Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, but how they're handled makes a significant difference. You wanna approach conflicts with a willingness to resolve issues. You wanna avoid blame and criticism and use I statements to express your feelings and needs and actively listen. Try to listen without allowing your mind to be orchestrating what you're gonna say next. Be really mindful of that. Obviously, you wanna spend quality time together, engaging in activities that both of you enjoy and that strengthen your bond.

Speaker 2: 29:17

I think one of the most important tips for communicating effectively in interdependent relationships is active and empathetic listening. So interdependent relationships thrive on open and honest communication where both parties are feeling heard and understood. And active listening involves giving full attention to the other person, being present in the moment. So that means being present and watching and listening, and not going through what you're gonna say next in your mind and seeking to understand their perspective without interrupting or judging. To put it really simply, if you think about it this way, when your partner is speaking to you or sharing something with you, think of it as they're sharing part of themselves, not that they're trying to coerce you into thinking like they are or that their view or perspective of what they're sharing is the perspective that you're going to need to now have. It's more of like they're showing you a little piece of them. Some key aspects of active and empathetic listening in interdependent relationships are being present, listening without judgment.

Speaker 2: 30:33

Validating emotions you wanna validate the other person's emotions and feelings, even if you may not fully agree with them, so you wanna acknowledge their emotions and let them know that their feelings are valid and understood. You're just there to validate what they're feeling, not the accuracy of the story or the details of what they're talking about. Ask open-ended questions, which encourages deeper communication. Practice reflective listening so, after the person has spoken, you can rephrase or summarize what they said to ensure that you really understand correctly, and then this also shows your interest and what they're sharing with you. Always avoid interruption. Let them finish expressing their thoughts before responding, and show empathy. Put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to understand their perspective and feelings.

Speaker 2: 31:33

Remember that empathy is an action. It's something that you do. It's something that you choose to do. When we're talking about the label empath, what that really means is like we pick up. We easily pick up on what other people are feeling and we pick up on their emotions, and we may feel that in our bodies, but empathy is an action. It's something that we can put in motion, that we can actually give to someone else. It's not something that it just naturally happens. You wanna be open and honest. In interdependent relationships, honesty is crucial, so you wanna express your thoughts and feelings openly, while encouraging your partner to do the same, and be patient and respectful.

Speaker 2: 32:21

Sometimes, effective communication takes time, especially when we discuss sensitive topics. So be patient and respectful during challenging conversations and allow each other the space to process and express themselves. And when things can get difficult or we're discussing sensitive topics, you wanna practice non-defense communication. So instead of becoming defensive or aggressive when conflicts arrives, you wanna focus on understanding the underlying issues and working together to find solutions. So when we actively listen and we apply empathy, what we're doing is we're creating a safe and supportive environment for communication in our healthy interdependent relationships. Or by doing this type of listening and communication, we're building right. We're building our interdependent relationship, where we are fostering trust, mutual understanding and emotional connection.

Speaker 2: 33:27

Effective communication is truly the foundation for healthy and thriving connections with others. I want you to remember that it's essential to prioritize your self-care and to set healthy boundaries to create those fulfilling, harmony-based relationships that we really want, and you are worth it and it is possible. No matter how your relationships look today, it is possible to have the relationships that just nourish your soul. So thank you so much for joining us on this insightful episode of the Realize Empath Podcast. Until next time, take care and embrace your empathic gifts with love and compassion. Bye, everybody.

Speaker 1: 34:13

Thanks for listening to the Realized Empath Podcast. Revisit past episodes or contact Kristen at RealizeEmpathcom. Did you love this episode? Please share it with a friend. Thanks for tuning in, Until next time. Sensitive souls.