The Art of Emotional Regulation: Empaths in Control

Have you ever felt tossed around by your own emotions? Picture this: You're like Emily, an empath who felt swamped by the emotional turmoil in work meetings until she discovered the power of emotional regulation. 

This isn't about suppressing your feelings but mastering the art of consciously choosing how to respond. Come along as we unpack this life-changing skill, sharing Emily’s journey and providing actionable insights to help you gain control over your emotional responses.

Now, imagine never feeling overwhelmed by external events, never being the victim of your emotions but rather their master. We delve into practical exercises like the 5-5-5 breath meditation and the importance of boundary setting - strategies that can help you cultivate emotional resilience. 

As we discuss Lisa's story, an empath who learned to navigate social situations without emotional overwhelm, you'll discover the transformative benefits of emotional regulation, not only for you but for everyone around you. Step into a new reality where you're in control, and your emotions work for you, not against you.

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Transcript

Announcer: 0:01

You're listening to the Realized Empath Podcast, where we get real about loving and stumbling through our sensitive lives With your host and holistic counselor, Kristen Schwartz, who helps redefine what's possible for an empath who embraces a path of self-healing.

Kristen Schwartz: 0:22

Hello, lovely souls, and welcome back to the Realized Empath Podcast. I am Kristen Schwartz and I am so glad you're here with me today. So here's a question Are you often overwhelmed by your own emotions or the emotions of others? So today we're going to talk all about emotional regulation, which is a lifesaver for empaths, and one that usually, when I post about this on social media, I will get a few messages saying teach me more about that. What is emotional regulation? How do I get there?

Kristen Schwartz: 0:58

An empath who masters the art of emotional regulation leads a profoundly different life than one who's constantly at mercy of their feelings and those around them. With emotional regulation skills, the empath can experience the life highs and the lows like we all do, without being consumed. So we can walk into emotionally charged situations, we can be in tense work meetings or we can handle a friend's crisis and offer that genuine emotional support and also, at the same time, leave without feeling drained or losing a piece of ourselves. It's like we can keep the gift of deep emotional understanding and connection, but it comes with this newfound sense of freedom, like we can engage fully with the world, experiencing emotions as enriching nuances rather than like overwhelming tidal waves. It's like a superpower, but with an on and off switch to use it wisely. So grab a cup of tea. I made myself a matcha this morning and I'm sipping on it in my pumpkin mug. So grab your tea, settle in and let's dive in.

Kristen Schwartz: 2:27

So let's start with explaining and understanding what's emotional regulation, and I want to start by saying what it's not. It's not about ignoring your feelings or sweeping them under the rug or pretending that you don't feel something. It's quite the opposite. Emotional regulation is about acknowledging and understanding your feelings so that you can make thoughtful choices about how to react. It's basically like being the driver of your emotional car, rather than a passenger and an out of control vehicle. It's like you still feel the bumps, the accelerations and the slams on the brakes, but you have a say in navigating them. It's about equipping yourself with the skills to manage the emotional journey rather than denying that there's a journey happening at all. Think of it as emotional intelligence and action, like you're aware of what you're feeling, you understand why you're feeling it and then you can decide the best course of action. It's like creating that space between oof I noticed something that I'm feeling Pause and then respond. It's not numbing out. It's basically tuning in consciously. To keep it super simple, it's the art of controlling your emotional responses to external events. And for empaths who soak up the emotions of others, learning this skill is like finding an emotional sanctuary. And for those listening who don't know being an empath is like having an emotional radar on all the time. It's as if you're tuned into a radio station that plays not just your songs but everyone else's, both beautiful and daunting. Every day can feel like a roller coaster and while it's great to feel so deeply, it can also be really draining.

Kristen Schwartz: 4:32

So to better understand emotional regulation, let's hear a story about Emily. Emily's a 30 year old graphic designer who identifies as an empath and she loves her job, but she finds team meetings super draining. It's like she's a sponge soaking up everybody else's stress and excitement and tension, and sometimes she even feels physically tired after a meeting, as if she's run a marathon like an emotional marathon. During a particularly stressful week at work, emily's team had to meet daily to discuss a time sensitive project. By the third day she was a wreck. She snapped at her partner over minor issues and cried while watching a simple TV commercial. She couldn't understand why she was so frazzled. But then it clicked she was experiencing emotional overload from absorbing everyone's stress in those meetings. She knew she had to do something and she had remembered hearing about emotional regulation and techniques that could help her. So she started doing mindfulness meditations for five minutes before entering the meeting rooms. During the meetings she practiced deep breathing. Whenever she felt overwhelmed, she also set an emotional boundary by allowing herself to step out and take a brief walk when things got too intense. Slowly but surely, emily felt her emotional state stabilize. She was more aware of her emotions and the walks during meetings acted like many emotional check-ins for her. She found it easier to navigate her workplaces emotional maze, all thanks to tuning into her emotions and understanding that she had the power to regulate them. So in Emily's case, learning to regulate her emotions didn't make her less empathic. She wasn't picking up on less. It just made her more balanced, made her happier, and it's all about harnessing that emotional energy rather than letting it consume you.

Kristen Schwartz: 6:41

So why can emotional regulation be difficult for empaths? Well, being an empath can be a double-edged sword. Sometimes we not only deal with our stress and emotions, but also we can pick up on the emotional energy of other people. It's like having 10 browser tabs open but in your emotional internet browser, which can be really overwhelming and can cause overload. Emotional regulation can also be especially challenging for some people because they might have grown up in environments where expressing emotions was discouraged or misunderstood, so suppose you've been taught to bottle things up or ignore your feelings. Maybe you know someone that does that, maybe it's you. So when we are taught to ignore our feelings and not to express them, regulating them as an adult can become difficult, and actually it's confusing. If life throws curveballs stress or trauma or even daily annoyances, they can act like emotional triggers to us, and then these triggers can set off intense reactions before we even realize what's happening, and once that happens, it makes the act of regulating feel like chasing a runaway train. So let's discuss some common hurdles. Some people have a naturally lower threshold. Some people will have a naturally lower threshold for emotional arousal, and this can be due to various factors such as genetics or past trauma, or even certain mental health conditions like anxiety or depression.

Kristen Schwartz: 8:35

When you're already predisposed to heightened emotional states, small things can tip the scale, leading to what feels like an emotional roller coaster. It basically becomes a cycle. Emotional reactivity leads to stressful situations, amplifying emotional sensitivity and making regulation seem like an impossible task. And the plot thickens if you're a highly sensitive person or an empath. You're not just dealing with your emotions, but you're also picking up on the emotions and the energies around you. It's like trying to tune into a single radio station. When all the stations play simultaneously. You become overwhelmed and your emotional bandwidth is stretched thin, making regulation even harder For HSPs and impasse. The world can often feel like it's dialed up to 11, making emotional regulation a skill and a necessity for a balanced life.

Kristen Schwartz: 9:43

So if you listen to my podcast regularly, you know I love to share real life tips and exercises that you can start implementing into your life today to strengthen or learn a specific skill that's going to make life better for you. So let's talk about what you can do today to begin mastering the skill of emotional regulation. I want to preface by saying take what works for you and leave the rest. When I share tips and tricks and exercises, I'm leaving it up to you to determine what you're curious about, what fits into your lifestyle, what are you open to. I'm not saying that every single one of these are going to work perfectly for you and you're going to go from like a zero to ten in resilience if you do these things. Maybe you will, but maybe you're going to need a different recipe, a different mix. So here's just a few that I want to share.

Kristen Schwartz: 10:43

I mentioned in this Emily story before, mindfulness meditation, and it's more than just a trending hashtag and it's really simple. It's just spending even five minutes a day focusing on your breath. That can teach you to become more aware of your emotional state and, let's be real, awareness is the absolute foundation and the first step towards regulation. If you aren't aware of your mind and your body, you're not going to be able to regulate your emotions. So one of the easiest mindfulness meditations for boosting emotional regulation is the 5, 5 5 breath meditation, and here's how it goes You're going to find a quiet place, sit or lie comfortably somewhere you won't be disturbed.

Kristen Schwartz: 11:34

If you're driving, please don't do it right now. Close your eyes, and this helps you tune into your inner world. So when you close your eyes, I want you to focus on the space that you're taking up. I want you to focus on your body, what's happening in you, and then you're going to do the 5 5 5 breathing. You're going to inhale deeply through your nose for a count of five. You're going to hold your breath for a count of five and then you're going to exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of five and then you're going to repeat. You'll do this for five rounds or as many times as you feel comfortable, and then I want you to do a check-in After you're done, open your eyes, take a moment to notice how you feel and then notice any difference.

Kristen Schwartz: 12:19

Even a little bit more relaxed or centered is a win. It's simple yet effective, and it can act as like a mini emotional reset. It can help bring your focus back to the present moment, making it easier to regulate your emotions. Remember, anything that brings us back to the present moment means that we're coming back to awareness, and remember what I said earlier you can't regulate your emotions without awareness. This is where our senses are really important Sight, sound, scent. You can use your senses to come back into the present moment.

Kristen Schwartz: 12:59

Next is boundaries, which I'm wondering if I've mentioned boundaries in every podcast that I've done so far in this season. I might have, but that's okay, because that's how important it is. Think of boundaries as building an emotional fence, and I want you to be clear on what you can tolerate and what you can't. This doesn't make you selfish, this makes you smart and aware. And for those of you asking, what does setting a boundary to assist in emotional regulation look like?

Kristen Schwartz: 13:33

So let's consider Hannah, who loves her family but finds family gatherings emotionally taxing. Her mom habitually brings up sensitive topics like Hannah's career choices or relationship status in front of everyone, and these conversations make Hannah anxious and trigger a rush of emotions she struggles to manage. So Hannah sets a boundary. Before the next family dinner she has a private conversation with her mom and she kindly but firmly says Mom, I love spending time with family, but I feel uncomfortable when you bring up personal life and group settings. Can we agree to keep those topics for one-on-one conversations? Hannah's mom agrees and at the next family gathering the atmosphere is noticeably more relaxed for Hannah. She enjoys the evening without the emotional spikes that those topics usually trigger. So by setting this boundary, hannah helped regulate her emotions and it fostered a more comfortable environment for everyone involved Because remember, it's not just other people's energy that is impacting you. Your energy is also impacting everyone else. So this ends up being a win-win for emotional well-being.

Kristen Schwartz: 14:49

My next little tip is journaling, which I've always used myself, which is why one of the first things that I created and shared on social media and on my website was the Empath Morning Ritual Journal, which is still available on my website if you want your copy. I also have some other resources on my website that you can download. You don't need to be a writer, you just jot down your thoughts and feelings and anything else that feels heavy. It's like having a private therapist session without the hourly rates. Energy wants to move, and the act of moving it onto paper can be cathartic. Journaling and writing was one of my game changers. I use it every single morning to move heavy energy from the day before or even to sort through some pieces of awareness that have come up and I need to work through. The Empath Morning Ritual Journal not only has space to express your soul, but also walks you through different intuition exercises, creating an energy care plan in the morning. It's just a really fun way to start your morning out right as an empath.

Kristen Schwartz: 16:02

Next is breathing and breathing techniques. I believe that breathing techniques are underrated and I would love for you to try the next time you feel overwhelmed. Try the 478 technique. It's inhaling through your nose for four seconds, hold for seven and exhale through your mouth for eight, and you can do this a few times to feel the magic. This isn't so much a meditation, like. You don't need to close your eyes, you don't need to tune into your body, it's just solely just letting your breath do the work. I promise you, if you start using your breath and it doesn't have to be like an outwardly disruptive thing, like you can do it at work, you can do it in public If you just start using your breath, you're going to be amazed by how calmer you can be, even around heavy energy.

Kristen Schwartz: 16:57

Another powerful way to create and build resilience is the emotional check-ins. I don't want you to forget about doing emotional check-ins throughout your day. Pause to ask yourself how am I feeling? I know that seems super simple, but you think about how many times in your day you actually pause to check how you're feeling. Most of us don't, but it's like emotional maintenance without getting all greasy and getting your hands dirty. Self-trust is a big part of resilience. What better way to build self-trust than having the habit of doing check-ins where you can depend on yourself to notice and adjust and pivot in terms of how you're feeling in each moment. What happens when we trust, we soften, we enjoy life. When we're around those people, we feel safe, and all those things apply to self-trust. Last but not least, let's talk about building resilience. Building resilience is basically crafting emotional armor for yourself. The more resilient you are, the quicker you can get back up when life's little or big curveballs come your way.

Kristen Schwartz: 18:20

I talk a lot about resilience and its significance to our well-being in my book, the Healed Impath. An empath without resilience is like a ship without an anchor, constantly tossed by the emotional waves of the world around us. We're more susceptible to emotional exhaustion and burnout because we're lacking the coping mechanisms to handle the emotional overload that we can often experience. Yes, our ability to deeply connect is a beautiful gift, but it can also come at a high cost to our emotional well-being. Without resilience, just your basic routine interactions can become emotionally taxing and it can lead us to withdrawal or heightened emotional states like anxiety and depression. It's like we have this incredible superpower of emotional sensitivity, but without resiliency, we're missing the toolkit we need to use it effectively. It's like we become an external emotional sponge, soaking up feelings but finding it challenging to basically wring ourselves out.

Kristen Schwartz: 19:30

Lacking resilience can happen for different reasons and there's some common reasons, the first one being our upbringing. So if you grew up in an environment where resilience wasn't modeled or encouraged, developing the skill later can be tough. Early experiences with adversity without proper emotional support can lead to a fragile emotional foundation. Here's where a little personal story, because the trauma comes to mind right. So when I think about my childhood, I had a lot of early experiences that were way beyond my maturity level, way beyond my ability to cope, and I felt completely powerless and at the hands of adults that were harming me, because I was a child and didn't have the emotional intelligence and I didn't have the emotional support around those experiences. It led to that heightened emotional reactivity, which is a great segue into the next common reason we might lack resilience trauma, so high stress levels or even chronic illness can erode resilience.

Kristen Schwartz: 20:46

When we're constantly in survival mode, building up the emotional reserves needed for resilience can be really difficult. You're so focused on getting through the day that long term emotional growth takes a backseat. And lastly, personality and temperament Ding, ding, ding, ding. Some people are more naturally sensitive to their environments and to the emotions of others. So while this can be a gift. Like I've said, it can also be a vulnerability, and if it's not paired with resilience, it can be extremely tough. The world feels intense and without resilience it's like walking a tightrope without a safety net. So lacking resilience is often not a single factor issue, but a complex interplay of upbringing, life circumstances and personality traits. So how do we begin to fortify resilience today? But, in short, we have to become comfortable with discomfort.

Kristen Schwartz: 21:52

There's many ways to do this, and I do this by doing cold dips. There's other ways I do it too, but that's like my main one. They're not for everybody, and that's okay. They work for me, and so that's why I share. But you can start small. You don't have to wait for a crisis to practice resilience. You can begin with daily inconveniences like a flat tire or a delayed flight, and how you handle these can set the stage for tackling bigger challenges. So what do I mean by you can start small? You can make small wins matter, set achievable goals and celebrate when you meet them. Small victories accumulate over time right, and they give you confidence to tackle the bigger challenges, and that's a great way to explain why I do cold dips. Are they comfortable? Absolutely not Do what. Have I gotten used to them? No, Does it get easier? No, I still have to, like, talk myself into them. But the discomfort and the skills that I'm building around, like calming my breath down and getting my heart rate to stabilize and talking myself to get in right when I know the water is going to be really cold, it's all about having those small victories accumulate. So when I am out in the world and something, a bigger challenge, happens, I know how to calm my body and mind down because I've been practicing it.

Kristen Schwartz: 23:21

Another way that you can begin to build resilience today is do a stressor spotlight when something stressful happens. I want you to take a moment to jot down what it is, how it makes you feel and one thing you can do about it. So what this exercise does is it moves you from reaction to action. It puts you back in the driver's seat of your emotions. So back to getting comfortable with discomfort. What are other ways you can do that if cold dips aren't for you?

Kristen Schwartz: 23:54

So think about if you set the goal of, like, you want to get up every morning at 4.30 and you want to go for a run. Have you ever set a goal like that and then 4.30 comes around and your alarm goes off and you're like nope, not today. And you snooze five times and just the thought of like getting up just causes so much mental anguish and you end up just snoozing and going back to bed. The simple act of getting up when it's uncomfortable is building resilience. Keeping promises to yourself builds resilience right, because you're building self-trust. And this may seem counterintuitive, but meditation is a really good way of getting comfortable with discomfort, because when we're trying to still our mind and body and our monkey mind is going off on a tangent and wants us to pay attention to it your ability to sit and notice the mind without engaging is you building resilience. So let's talk about real life situations. Whether it's family gatherings that leave you drained or workplace drama that feels suffocating, knowing how to regulate your emotions will help you navigate these situations like a pro.

Kristen Schwartz: 25:03

Let's meet Lisa, an empath who's figured out how to navigate crowded social scenes without getting emotionally swamped. She's at a friend's birthday party and the place is buzzing with people, laughter and high energy. In the past, she's absorbed everyone's emotions like a sponge, but she's also been absorbed by people like a and leaves feeling drained or even anxious, but not tonight. Tonight, she's an emotional regulation champ. Before entering the party, lisa takes a few moments in her car for some deep breathing, setting the intention to remain centered. She's also wearing a small piece of rose quartz as a tactile reminder to maintain her emotional boundaries, her various emotional currents excitement, nervousness, even some tension. When she feels herself beginning to absorb these emotions, she gently taps her rose quartz and takes a discreet breath, using it as a grounding mechanism when a particularly intense conversation with a friend about a recent breakup starts to tip her emotions.